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my first instict was to make up a random date. even if to myself, i want to pretend everything has some normalcy still. but in all honesty, i forgot what day it is today.. it's been this day for weeks now, maybe more. i forgot the feeling of an hour and how to distinguish between a minute an an entire week. they're more or less the same now. i know i have to be more present and open and allow myself to live without fear. but there's something about these days that won't allow me to do that. it's weird because everything around me is how it should be and in fact, the way i've wanted it for years. yeah, there are some things missing and whatnot but i can't always have everything, right? i saw that on an advertisement while waiting for the train once. today i went to see my doctor and she reminded me about the whole multiple pills a day thing. i dont really wanna see anyone these days and i guess i dont really have to fight with that because everyone i truly know is back home. but i still need to make my appointments before anyone begins to question anything. keep things usual and normal. but what does that even mean anymore? i saw the ad by the station again today.. i think i mentioned it already. oh and the movie was nice too. the one i wrote about the other day. but it left an unsettling feeling within me and i went back home really tired. the food i got afterwards was pretty bad, or atleast just not for me. so i ended up giving it to some strangers outside of a station nearby. they were all just laying there, sharing blankets and a mattress and i felt a sadness outide of my own problems and i got sadder over that. sorry if i'm just rambling on, there's no point to this. just miss you i guess or i don't know, i'm doing something to remember in a future where i'll inevitably forget. i don't really know who i'm speaking to, if i'm honest. i'm putting my trust that whoever comes across this will try and understand or atleast just be a silent witness. i just dont really know how to communicate these days. i feel like something is happening to me but i can't really say what. i'm forcing myself to go outside just so i can actually feel the air on me. i dont know... i feel like something was always calling me to come here. like from the beginning of my birth. like maybe it was all written somehow. maybe you'll laugh at that. and maybe because you know i mean it.