??/??/04

i forgot what day it is today... i know i have to be more present and open and allow myself to live without fear. but there's something about these days that won't allow me to do that. it's weird because everything around me is how it should be and in fact, the way i've wanted it for years. yeah, there are some things missing but i can't always have everything right? i saw that on a billboard once. today i went to see my doctor and she reminded me about the whole multiple pills a day thing. i dont really wanna see anyone these days and i guess i dont really have to fight with that because everyone i know is back home. but i still need to make my appointments before anyone begins to question anything. keep things usual and normal. what does that even mean anymore? i saw the billboard again today... think i mentioned it already. Oh and the movie was nice too. the one we talked about the other day. but it left an unsettling feeling within me... so i went back home really tired. the food i got afterwards was pretty bad, or atleast just not for me. so i ended up giving it to some strangers outside of a station nearby. sorry if i'm just rambling on, there's no point to this. just miss you i guess or i don't know, i'm doing something to remember in a future where i'll inevitably forget. i just dont really know how to communicate these days. i feel like something is happening to me but i can't really say what... i'm forcing myself to go outside just so i can actually feel the air on me. yeah i dont know... i feel like something was always calling me to come here. like from the beginning of my birth. like maybe it was all written somehow. maybe you'll laugh at that. and maybe because you know i mean it.