rewatching old media. ignoring a responsibility. over and over again. it's like a piano, and old distance. are you here with a friend? last night, i saw your humanity. i wanted to go to the window and scream it. downstairs, the sushi place. the far away train. the day before i left. a phone call over seas. november. are you here alone? bakery. walking, walking. i never saw this before and i leave soon. so soon, too soon. are you line? are you in line? excuse me are you in line? no i'm not and now what. now what. the museum is free tomorrow if you wanna check it out. a rabbit hops over your heart. i'm sorry for not lettting you see me. awake; regret; touch; cry; music; sleep; and sleep again. breakfast at eight and no there is no one else to blame. there is no one else to blame
feburary, ?, ????
another day without sun.. i want to skip through the seasons and just land permanently in summer and spring. on the way to the station today, i realized i have your strawberry gum in my left pocket. already with me before you even ask. i couldn't remember when i stopped to buy it or when i began to care for you this much... i don't think i'll ever tell you this but these days all i want is to make you happy. it's become important to me, like i now have a new responsibility. especially since i've discarded the importance of my own. even when i'm walking back home and have other things on my mind, i wonder if you had fun with me today. on a loop almost. i think about how i could've made it better. said 'yes' more and 'no' a little less.. i don't know. anything just to keep you smiling. let you misbehave even if just for a second, to make you feel happy for having power over me and having things go your way. i want all your energy to go to smiling and laughing, even though i know someday you'll forget me. but i remember myself when i was your age and i feel hopeful for the future somehow. i hope everything i have now never ends. except maybe for the cold. i'm over it.
interferance / ????
it's been a year since i met you but i still miss you. honest. lego houses and marbles. carpet floors and a balloon for me a balloon for you. entrance. take off shoes and hang your sweater. an imaginary world, you created it and let me inside. this morning when i woke up, i saw a notification on my phone but it disappeared almost instantly. it said something like 'never wanted to leave. never wanted to leave but don't confuse that with mistake.' and i know i saw that somewhere else once but i can't remember where. and i thought about it the entire bus ride on the way to work and i wanted to vomit the whole time. both memories old past and recent past. i heard a knock on my door this morning but i told them i was sick. i'm impeding an entrance. i've closed off to everyone but you. and maybe they'll come back tomorrow. and maybe i'll never have myself back and i don't know what that even means. i dont know. but maybe not until next week. imaginary swords but i've got one for real, one i would never dare show you out of all people. post card protector. an appointment a missed or rather a wrong train. i'll bike there i'll be fast, there's still sun outside but not for long. and i got there early and i waited and you guided the way home, you so much younger than me and so wise, so creative so playful. i saw the train pass through it's track in the distance and you asked if we could race all the way. i didn't think twice before saying yes. and as always, you won. not by me letting you but by natural default. you're so much brighter than i will ever be. thank you for taking care of me, unknowingly. with your tantrums and screams and pushing me away. you saved me.
maybe tomorrow. tickets to the aquarium holding the rabbit. don't run when the red light is on your face.
a collection of memories from ??? years ago / ????, ???